EverAfterLand

9 Tips To Stay Sane While Hubby's Away - Advice From A Navy Wife

Being married to a military man all these ten long years (seriously, has it really been that long?) I have had my fair share of Hubby cutting out on me, leaving me alone with two monstrous children and a misfit dog.  We have made it through four deployments on a ship, one deployment on land and countless numbers of work-ups and work trips that lasted anywhere from a few days to eight months.  During all of these absences, I have picked up a couple of tips here and there that help me make it through on my own with some semblance of sanity and without strangling anyone.  Or running away from home.

Although I came awfully close a couple of times!

I pass my Survival Tips onto the rest of you.  Hopefully a few of them will help….

1. Close and lock all the doors and windows and draw the curtains BEFORE you put the kids in bed (preferably before it’s dark outside). – Security is the #1 issue for anyone that is home alone, especially a woman with her young kids.  Anyone who has watched a couple of ADT commercials or an episode of Law & Order: SVU knows that.  But I get it.  On a nice spring day, who wouldn’t want to have a few windows open?  Who hasn’t had kids run inside from an afternoon of play and not think to lock the door behind them (let alone wipe their feet)?  However, there’s nothing worse than coming downstairs all by yourself, in your dark, silent-as-a-horror-movie house, all creeped out that anyone outside could be watching your every move.  It won’t just keep you safer to make sure everything is locked before tucking the kids away, it’ll also keep you sane while the Hubs is away.
2. Keep your feet up! – I don’t hate all bugs.  Most of them I either don’t mind cohabitating with or feel completely competent squishing into oblivion.  But there’s one bug that is my Achilles heel.  Cockroaches.  (Ohmygosh, it makes my skin crawl just to type the word!)  When we first moved into our house in Virginia, we didn’t realize there was a whole colony of roaches in the crawlspace underneath.  Nor did we know that they were using an enormous hole below the bathroom sink as their portal into our home.  But we found out – right AFTER Hubster left on a deployment.  If you hate creepy crawlies as much as I do, make sure to stock up on the bug spray.  And be BRAVE!!!!
3. Do not fall asleep on the couch. – I really dislike going to bed at night.  In my heart, I am a Night Owl.  But in Real Life I am forced to be the mom who has to wake her kids up at 5:30 in the morning to get them dressed and off to school on time.  Even in the years before they went to school, my eldest had the habit of waking up at 6 am.  Every. Single. Day.  Do not discount a good night’s sleep.  Your rest is crucial!  A bad night’s sleep may mean the difference between keeping your cool under pressure, or screaming at the kids like a maniac.  I know it’s hard.  I know it’s cold and lonely in there.  Get your butt to bed anyway.
4. Plan on making kid-friendly, short prep meals. – First off, you should probably understand that I am NOT the cook in this family.  Hubby is the one who lives for the kitchen.  I live for chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven, and that’s about it.  But even if you are a chef du jour, I promise, by the end of the day you will be too wiped out to cook anything that takes longer than 15 minutes from start to finish.  And if you do have the wherewithal to cook an actual meal, make sure you’ve made enough to have leftovers for at least one more dinner (hopefully two).  And, when you’ve hit your wit’s end, I’ve got three little words that’ll not just save you, but make you a hero in your own home: Breakfast. For. Dinner.
5. Go easy on yourself. – It’s tough to keep up the same routine you have when Hubby is around.  The kids may not get their baths every night, you might use paper plates more than you’d like to, maybe you’ve hit McD’s often enough that your kids have duplicates of the same toy – it’s OK.  When Hubs is gone for several weeks or less, I consider the house to be in a state of Guerrilla Warfare.  You do whatever you gotta do to make it through the day, while also keeping your dictatorship from being overthrown by a coup.  Trust me, as long as those mini-monsters are fed, dressed and loved, they will be just fine.  (And they can always use their College Funds for therapy later – not that they’ll need to!)
6. Set the bar low. – Now is not the time to begin working on that new novel, decide to go Paleo, completely reupholster the couch by yourself or start on that quilt for your cousin’s baby shower, which happens to be next weekend.  Going from a two adult household to one is stressful.  The time you think you have for extraneous projects will be quickly eaten up by unforeseen events, or just plain ol’ exhaustion.  Not that it’s impossible to find time for extra activities when Hubster is away – it is!  It’s just that it takes several weeks for the family routine to adjust to the absence of those extra pair of hands.  Again, it’ll be OK.  I promise!
7. Don’t forget to feed the dog! – Same goes for taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and whatever else it is the Hubs usually takes care of.  During Hubster’s last deployment, I taught myself (well, more like the wonderful store clerks taught me) how to clean and maintain our pool completely on my own.  For your Hubby’s household chores, you may need to hire some outside help.  Take a look at the finances and decide on what to do beforehand.  You really don’t want to figure this stuff out after the Homeowner’s Association has already left you a nasty notice because your weeds are waist-high.
8. Remember your support system. – I can’t tell you how many times other wives will say to me, listlessly, that their hubby has to go on a work trip for the first time since they had kids, and then add, “But I shouldn’t complain to YOU.  He’ll only be gone for a week, your husband leaves for months at a time!”  Actually, you absolutely should complain to me, because I know better than anyone what you are going through.  Yes, it could be worse, but just because it’s not at the level of “the worst” doesn’t mean that you should minimize your feelings.  Whether it’s two days or two weeks or two months, any amount of time apart that means something to you is completely valid.   And no, you never really get “used” to it.  You can get used to living as a single-parent family.  But I know I will never get used to feeling that half of my heart is missing.  Nor would I want to.  Things will get stressful and harried, and you will still fall asleep on the couch, even after I told you not to, and you will not always act like the A+ Parent you think you should be, but that’s how it is for everyone.  Make sure to talk to your trusted friends and family, the ones who will listen and try to understand (and know better than to throw a“well, it could be worse!” at you) when you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed. 
9. And please, please ask for help. – There are many people around you right now who would like nothing more than the opportunity to help you out with the kids or the groceries or the yard.  In fact, they’ve probably offered already.  Attempting to do this alone is not going to prove anything to anyone.  You are already strong.  Sometimes it’s a true show of strength to recognize when you need help.  It's like Blanche Dubois said, "I always depended on the kindness of strangers!"  Well, maybe not STRANGERS, necessarily (See Tip #1), but definitely the kindness of the good people you already know.

And that’s it!  Nine items to (hopefully!) assist in saving your sanity for however long your spouse is absent for.  Good luck!

Have a few "Home-Alone" tips of your own?  Leave them in the comments, I'd love to hear them!

Home for the Holidays

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

'Twas a night long ago, when we looked round the house
And knew we wanted a pet, something bigger than a mouse!

Such an important decision should be made with care -
With a house and a yard, yes, we knew we were there!

"But what would we choose?," was the question in mind.
So many species and breeds, a puppy dog we would find!

So off to the  internet we flew like a flash,
Did lots of research for breeds that won't clash.

"Let's go to a breeder," said hubby to me.
"Those dogs are perfection.  Take a look, you'll agree!"

"But check out that price tag," I said back to him.
"We don't need a show dog, shelters have great dogs in them!"

A mutt would be awesome, the best of both worlds.
Part Retriever for him, Part Chow chow for her!

All the shelters we questioned, were there puppies around?
We extended our search.  Our pup had to be found!

A pound in the country, we were told at last,
Just got a whole litter - but we had to move fast!

The pups were the cutest, with tails that curl.
The litter consisted of four boys and one girl.

We played with them all, each had such personality!
Finally we had the right one, the perfect dog for our family.

His eyes, how they twinkled!  His face, how furry!
His ears were all floppy.  His nose wet as a cherry.

His fuzzy puppy tail kept wagging to and fro.
And the fur of his belly was as white as the snow!

We drove away in the car, our new fur-ball in my lap,
"We have to give him a name, and a good one at that!"

Not Maurice, nor Charles,  nor Tom, Dick or Harry,
We went through them all, till we landed on "Eddie."

Yes, Eddie's just right, we proclaimed with a grin.
He has an Oedipal Complex, he kept chewing my 'gagement ring!

We've taught him to sit, and to shake hands on cue.
He's a friend, a protector, and a vacuum cleaner, too!

It's not always perfect, we've had ups and downs,
But with Eddie in our lives, there's more smiles than frowns.

So if a bundle of fur is on Santa's Great List,
Please remember your shelters for a Christmas Wet Kiss.

Iams Home for the Holidays has a wonderful site
That will help Santa find a dog or cat that's just right!

Our tale is done, one last thing 'fore we're through,
"Merry Christmas to all!  And our furry friends, too!"

(Puppies are fun - they're so cute when they're little!
But allow me to share just one last detail.

I heard hubby exclaim, once potty training was through,
"The next dog that we get will be at least age two!")

Power Play - Keep 'em Confused

"Family dog" was a phrase that I rarely ever used.  My Eddie didn't act much like a dog - he thought he had control of this household.  And he definitely was NOT a family man - he would have preferred we left Miss Priss at the pound.

But that was before Jim the Dog Tornado.

After the first session, we were already seeing a change in my growly, furry toddler.  To review, he's on a leash all day long, allowing for instant correction.  We had to revive the crate, the most hated, reviled thing, in Eddie's mind.  And a new rule was established - sit before petting.  Like a stripper with daddy issues, he had to work for his affection.

Session #2 with Jim the Dog Tornado - walking. 

Well, I mean, we all know HOW to walk.  What we were learning was how to walk TOGETHER!

Eddie has never been too awful.  Yes, he pulls - but that's mostly when we first leave the house.  And he doesn't care much about other dogs.  What he really wants to eat are squirrels.  And rabbits.  Not birds, though.  He figured out when he was a puppy that birds can fly away and, seeing this as an unfair advantage, he doesn't bother with them. 

What Jim the Dog Tornado informed me of, when the three of us stepped outside, was that dogs do NOT have to pee on everything in sight.

"They don't?  I guess I always saw that as a natural dog thing that he can't help doing," I replied.

"No.  Remember, he has to fit into YOUR world.  If you don't like it, change it."

And off we went.

We now use an old-fashioned, six-foot nylon leash, no more automatic leashes around here!  Although I do miss my automatic.  I had the super cool bag holder thingy attached to it, which just doesn't work on the nylon kind!

The leash was kept loose as we walked, and when he started to pull (to pee, or run, or to hurry me along) he got a quick jerk. 

Do you know how hard it is to keep your dog from peeing on everything?  I had been so conditioned to let him do that, Jim the Dog Tornado had to keep reminding me, "Don't let him pee on that!"  "Oh, yeah!"  And he'd get a jerk. 

Every so often, though, the call of the bush was too much for poor Eddie to resist.  I'd jerk, and he'd pull and pull with all his might, desperate to leave his scent on just one leaf. 

"But, this other dog is a total @$$hole, I can smell it!  Just let me leave one little drop!!!!"

When jerking didn't work, Jim the Dog Tornado told me to turn and head in the opposite direction.

"Confusion equals power.  If he doesn't know what you're next step will be, then he'll be forced to focus on you."

Then, with his trademark diabolical laugh, he added, "Confusion!  I use it with my handlers all the time!"

Remind me to never work for this guy.

Dog + Baby = Misery

My house has felt like a war zone since the moment we brought Miss Priss home from the hospital.  Perhaps "war zone" is a little too harsh.  More like a furry toddler jealous of his new baby sister.  Except this toddler growls.  And has really big, sharp teeth.

It started out innocently enough.  Eddie (that's the furry toddler in question) would lay on my feet while I was breastfeeding, then jump into my lap once the baby was put down.  If the baby could be that close, Eddie wanted to be close, too. 

Once Priss started crawling, then walking, and now racing around the house screeching, Eddie insisted on asserting his authorit-i (in the words of South Park's Cartman).

And he did that by growling. 

Sometimes it was a little under-the-breath growl.

Sometimes it was with teeth.

He never bit or nipped.  But the growling was enough to make both hubby and I nervous.

What could we do?  We didn't know.  Up till now, Eddie was a pretty well-behaved dog.  Yes, he'd been an only child, hence the jealousy issues.  He also disliked children in general.  To him, they were all puppies.  Puppies that HE had to discipline.

Official plan of attack in Happily-Ever-After-Land on this possibly disastrous problem -- Wait it out and hope he gets over it.

Yeah, in case your wondering, I don't recommend using that one.

For almost two years now we've been living in misery, I had just refused to acknowledge it.  My days were filled with "STOP THAT!," "CUT IT OUT!," and my favorite "OEDIPUS!!!"  (Eddie's full name is Oedipus, the name he was christened with when he was chewing on my engagement ring as we were driving him home from the shelter, a fuzzy little ball of 8-week-old puppy, 5 years ago.  But let's not focus on the cuteness, here.  We're mad as hell and we're not taking it anymore!)

OK, where was I?  Oh, yeah.  Eddie's growling had escalated into barking.  Basically, he was yelling at Miss Priss.  I'd finally hit my limit.  I was mad as hell and I wasn't going to take it anymore!

My original thought was that I'd have to give him away.  There was a lovely older couple that thought he was the best doggy in the whole world.  (Boy did he fool them!)  And the best part - they had no kids.  But I didn't want to get rid of him.  He's our baby!  And damn that hubby for leaving me to take care of the dirty work!!!

I had a tearful conversation with my friend ES, dog-mommy to Eddie's girlfriend, Isabel.  Thank goodness I talked to her first.  "Call a trainer," she told me.  "See if it can be fixed before you do anything rash."

So that's what I did.  This is no PetSmart trainer, mind you, this dude trains bomb sniffing dogs.  This is hard-core sh&t we're talking about here.  If this doesn't work - nothing will.

Jim the Trainer came to my home and sat down to talk with me last week.  I told him about all our problems and how it has escalated.  I recounted how jealous Eddie has been and how unhappy we've been because of it.  I asked if there was anything that could be done, or if, in a fit of jealous rage, my dog was going to end up eating my baby.  "It doesn't help that he looks like dingo!"  I said.  And after all that listening, Jim summed up his evaluation in one sentence.

"Your dog is a brat."

Oh.  My.  God.  He was absolutely RIGHT!!!  And it was in that moment that I finally realized what had happened.  I had turned into that type of parent that other people don't want to be around because her child is a terror and gets away with it, and the parent makes lame excuses for this awful behavior instead of doing something about it.  My human child had more discipline and consistency then my furry one.  How could I let it spiral so far out of control?

We got to work immediately. 

My family has been likening Jim to "The Dog Whisperer" as-seen-on-TV.  I wouldn't use that description, exactly.

He's more like The Dog Tornado.

In Eddie's eyes, he showed up with no warning, turned his whole world upside down in an instant, and now he's left to figure out how to move on in this post-traumatic existence.

Yep, that sums it up!

We've signed up for the six week course, which means Jim the Dog Tornado comes to our home once a week for the next six and gives me tips and techniques on how to become the master in my own home again. 

"He thinks he's in charge of the house," Jim explained.  "We have to show him that he's not.  That you and the baby rank above him in the hierarchy."

And boy, have we ever!  Eddie now wears a leash 24/7.  This allows me to discipline him IMMEDIATELY when he does anything I don't like.  If he looks at me cross-eyed, he gets a little jerk on the leash.

And we had to reinstate the crate.  Eddie has always hated the crate.  We NEVER used it as punishment and had him in there every night as a puppy.  Nevertheless, it was not considered a "comfy home" to him.  It felt like prison.  Well he's violated parole, and now he's headed back.  He's been confined periodically to the crate for a week now, and when I looked inside it today, there were seven little scratch marks on the wall.  And what looked like the beginnings of a shiv made out of a rubber Kong toy under his blanket.

The days may have been rough on Eddie, but they've been wonderful for us. 

No more growling.  Every so often he tries to sneak one in under his breath, but I'm there in an instant, leash in hand.  Miss Priss has even gotten her hands on Ed-pie's fav toy without incident.  That's progress!  And he's so much better when people come to the door.  He wants to jump, but he can't.  I've got his leash! 

"But will he be happy?"  I asked Jim the Dog Tornado.  "I mean, I know WE will be happier without the growling.  But would Eddie be happier in a home without kids?  Am I just making him miserable?"

Jim the Dog Tornado laughed at me in that maniacal laugh he likes to use when he talks about being the "Supreme Being" in your home. 

"You're humanizing him too much.

He's a DOG!"

Oh, well, yeah, I have to remember that.