Happily-Ever-After-Land

A Right Of Passage

I had been noticing the signs for a few weeks now.

First, she was showing interest in it.

Then she was wanting some of her own.

Before I knew it, she was wielding the appliance like a pro.

When she crossed over that final hurdle, I knew, like the wise master so tuned into her student...

She.

Was.

Ready.

That's right, ladies, another neophyte has made that first step towards womanhood.

Miss Priss is now the proud owner of her very own tube of LIPGLOSS!

Hang on a sec.  I'm getting a little teary.  OK, <sniff> I'm alright now.

So what if she still has bad aim.  She's able to screw the top on and off like a pro and land the product somewhere on her face.  Which was why, while in Fresno yesterday, we made a pit stop at an ultra frilly, hot pink bedazzled shop aimed at just such a little princess, and picked up that very first tube of lip glossy goodness.

It's clear.

With a little glitter thrown in for pizazz.

And, honestly, I thought it would taste better.

Here is the first of about fifteen applications that were applied yesterday afternoon.

Check out that technique!  Obviously a natural!


Maybe she's born with it...

Maybe it's her awesome bejeweled lipgloss tube!

PS - That mustache of shine is where the lipgloss landed.  Apparently, I've been applying mine incorrectly all these years!

PPS - I don't know why her eyes look so green in that last shot.  OK, maybe I do know, and it has to do with my kick ass photoshoppin' skillz!  But please note, grandmas, they did NOT suddenly turn green!

PPPS - Is 2 1/2 really too young for lipgloss?  I just wanted her to stop using mine, but maybe I'm inadvertantly leading her down a path of whoreishness.  Oh well, apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?

A Fuzzy Feeling

Not the good kind of fuzzy feeling, either.

It's my teeth, folks.  My fuzzy, furry TEETH.

But I am getting ahead of myself.  Let me start off with the fact that we are not at home.  I am typing this post from a base known as Pt. Mugu located in Ventura County just North of Los Angeles. 

This is very happy news!  For the next two days we have returned to CIVILIZATION!!!!

I'm not sure I can handle it.  I think I'm out of practice.

But there's a bigger problem here.  A problem that is quietly resting on our bed back home.  A heaping pile of face wash, body soap, moisturizers, brushes and make-up hidden inside a traveling case.

Yes, folks, my dear husband has left my toiletry bag - the very essence of being civilized - back at the house.

Normally I would be mad.  "How could you!," I would have exclaimed. 

But let's keep things in perspective.  It is only TWO DAYS.

And I can certainly pick up a toothbrush and toothpaste at the store.

What's that?  We're taking our family photo for the Christmas card while we're here and you're wondering if I will be doing it au naturale?

Oh!  Haha!  Good thing there's a Sephora RIGHT UP THE STREET!!!!!

That's right, ladies (and my horrified husband - Hi Honey!), Momma's headin' over to her dealer to get herself a FIX!  And it's gonna be SOOOOO GOOD!!!! 

Oh, hubby, I love you MORE THEN EVER!!!

P.S. - Don't forget to head over to The Posh Parent and check out my post, The Meltdown, for this week.  You can see what (or who!) I wanted to be when I grew up!

Look at all the SPARKLES on this thing!

Apparently, there really is such a thing as the "power of positive thinking."

Yesterday I told all of you how much I felt like a winner, despite being a loser, and how I'd wear my tiara around the house just to prove it.

The funny part of that -- I really did wear a crown around my house all day!  It wasn't intentional.  (At least that's what I tell myself.)  I needed a headband, and Miss Priss' headband with the little crown on top was lying within reach.  I spent the rest of the day with it on, and completely forgot about it till Sissy came by and was all "why is there a crown on your head?"  And I was all, "Jealous, biotch?"  And she was all, "No, but it makes you look fat, biotch."  See, totally jealous.

Can't you feel the glow of sisterly love?

Anywhoo, I didn't find out until later in the day that I was awarded with a crown ALL MY OWN!!!  Now introducing.....<trumpets, please>

"Sheeee's Miss Americaaaaaaa.  None caaan coooompare!"

I have spent today with said crown atop my head, cradling the now-dead flowers hubby sent me for my birthday and practicing The Wave (hand, hand, elbow, elbow). 

It's a little too hot for the gown right now.  I'll save that for tonight.

I am really so very shocked and awed that the lovely ladies of MomDot bestowed this award on me.  All I can say is a very heartfelt "thank you."  And blink the tears back into my eyes.

And thanks also to all the friends out there who have sent congratulating comments my way.  I appreciate them all!

OK, I'm ready for your red-lipsticked kisses now!

Happy to be a Loser

It has been announced that Jen at Posh Point of View is the new Homecoming Queen of the Mommy Blogging World!

Let's give her a round of applause!

And, as all beauty queen rivals do, a big, fat, red-lipsticked kiss right in the middle of her forehead!!!

I always love it when they do that.  It's the ultimate "you may have won, and I'm going to act like I like you, but really I'm just trying to make you uglier on national television!"  Oh, those crazy biotches!

Anyway, as Second Runner-Up, I'd like to thank all of you for playing along with our "frienemies" cat-fight.  Jen and I really had a terrific time trying to one-up each other, and I learned lots of new things to do with PhotoShop Elements!  Really, guys, I was amazed that I was even nominated, and I knew Jen would be the winner.  I never would have received the number of votes I did without her.  She was so nice to play-fight with me, she really didn't have to!

And apparently, I'm so good at the snarkiness, Jen has asked me to be a contributor on The Posh Parent! 

Hmmm, perhaps Jen is, as the saying goes, "keeping her friends close, and her frienemies closer?"

My articles will be an attempt to go all David Spade on the celebrities in a weekly synopsis called "The Meltdown."  Today is my very first article, please head over there and check it out!  And while you're at it, join the club!

Now, for the final tally of votes and my Nie Recovery Fund donation - the last I saw, I had 27.  Subtract 24 (the number of previous votes), then add 1 for Jiggety Jigg at least THINKING about blogging for me (check her out, she's wicked cool!), and you get......

Seriously, what do you take me for?  This is a DONATION to a REAL-LIFE FAMILY, for crimeny sakes!  As a thank-you to EVERYBODY that took time out of their busy lives to vote, and because I have the right to change all the rules if I want to (it is MY blog), I'm going to use the WINNERS rules.  Because, really, I feel like I've won!  I think I'll even wear my tiara today and ACT like I've won! 

Anyway, let me get my calculator......carry the two.....multiply by....OK!  I really only like numbers in multiples of five (I know, I'm weird) so let's round this puppy up to $45!  That's awesome, guys!  Kudos to you!  And if you'd like to send your own donation, please click here.

Thanks again, ya'll!  Big, fat, red-lipsticked kisses to all of you!!!

Pretty sweet animation, isn't it?  That would be courtesy of my friend Bill.  You can check some more animation at his hilarious blog I Animate You, or order up some you're own here!

Other People's Money

On Saturday I switched gears in the race for Homecoming Queen and offered to buy your vote for the Nie Recovery Fund.

This morning, I timidly visited the MomDot site to see how much I'd be in the hole for.

The results were, there's no other way I can put it, AMAZING!

Wanna know what that incredible amount is?  The amount of votes that I am now indebted for?

That would be ONE WHOLE DOLLAR!!!

Do you think they take checks?

COME ON PEOPLE!!!!!  Holy gee whiz and goodness gracious!  I can't believe I was even worried about this! 

I cannot BELIEVE I am reduced to begging YOU to spend MY MONEY!!! 

Here are the rules, one more time:

• On Saturday morning I had 24 votes.  Every vote I receive today (today's the last day for voting) equals $1 for the Nie Recovery Fund. 
• If the final tally puts me in second place, I will add in the 24 votes from before - that means an extra $24 for the Nielsons. 
• If I WIN I will increase the whole pot by 50%.
• For those that have already voted, but would still like to help, just post a message on your blog requesting readers to vote for me, and leave a comment back here saying you had done so.  That will add $1 more to the pot.

Alright, ya'll, the ball is back in your court.  Let's see what kind of damage you can do!  Vote HERE.

Laying Down Arms

My fave girl Jen over at Posh Point of View posted a very good likeness of me here.  I'm talking about the "After" picture, not the "Before."

Should I tell you all that the photo STILL turned my hubby on?  Throw a man at sea for six months, and cleavage in ANY package will do it for him!

The beautiful and sassy Jen also copped to being a G.R.I.T.S.  That's Girl Raised In The South.

Oh, how my mind whirled with the possibilities of THAT one! 

I thought of showing a photo like this and declaring it Jen's Posh Pad...

I even had thoughts of PhotoShopping something like this, and declaring it the REAL couple at home....

But Renee at Cutie Booty Cakes has been trying all week to get us bloggers to recognize International Peace Day, happening on Sept. 21st.  This being Sept. 20th, I decided to lay down my arms, er, shut down PhotoShop, and exude peace, love, and harmony to my opponent.

Well, and then there's the fact that I'm still in THIRD PLACE so my current ploy of ruthless "Mean Girls" attacks is not working!

Really, I blame all of you.

Regardless, I am switching gears.  I will BUY your votes!

Many of you are aware of the Nielson family and the recent plane crash that has put parents-of-four Stephanie and Christian Nielson in critical condition in a burn center.  You can read more about them here.

In an effort to assist this family with their mounting hospital bills and care of their children, I am pledging $1 for each vote I receive between now and the end of the competition on Sept. 22nd.  I currently have 24 votes.  If I am declared the second place winner, I will add the current # of votes into the tally.  If I WIN, I will increase the pot by 50%!  No worries if you've already voted, you can still contribute!  Just post a message on your blog asking readers to VOTE FOR ME, leave a comment here, and I'll add another $1 in. 

If the backstabbing won't get me the crown, perhaps some philanthropy will!

Happy Peace Day, ya'll!

Disclaimer:  I hate to do this, but knowing that there are freaks out there who live for this kind of stuff, I have to add that if the votes look like they've been rigged (ie: I win by 15,000) I will have the right to give whatever amount I see fit.  I think you can all understand, I have to draw the line at mortgaging my house!

PhotoStory Friday - A Vision of Loveliness

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Have I told you guys lately how much I LOVE my BFF Jen at Posh Point of View?  We are both up for Homecoming Queen in the MomDot Dottie Awards, and she has been so sweet and nice about the whole thing.  Check out the GREAT figure she gave me yesterday!

I can only dream of looking like that!

Since it's PhotoStory Friday, and since SHE started it with the photoshopping, I thought I'd show all you voters out there just what your future Homecoming Queen will look like. 

First, here's a picture of me and hubby at my birthday party a year ago.  Wouldn't he make a handsome Homecoming King?  Wouldn't you love to see us slow dancing under a spotlight, me in taffeta with an enormous corsage on my bosom, he in a tux with tails, trying to keep his hands off my ass...

And then there's Jen.  She's so pretty.  So perfect.  She'd really look lovely in that crown!  Let's just take a look-see....

Oh, well, yeah.  "Isn't she loooovely?  Isn't she woooonderful?"  I'm pretty sure Stevie was NOT referring to this Queen!

And now it's up to you America!  Decide who would make the BEST LOOKING Queen (hint:  pretty sure it's ME!) and vote HERE!!!

As American as Apple Pie

Jen at Posh Point of View was so kind to suggest a new gadget to help me with my head cold.  Thanks, Jen, I could really use something like that!

See, isn't she really so kind?  So pretty and perfect and kind -- she would make such a fantastic Homecoming Queen!

And she's so very fashionable!  I mean, anyone that throws around the word "posh" with such ease HAS to be a style maven!

I hear she buys knock-offs, though.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.  Unless, of course, your are buying those knock-off purses from those guys on the street that support illegal activities.

So if you want to support drug dealers, vote for Jen.

If you LOVE AMERICA, vote for ME!!!

The Race is On...

I am so flattered to have been nominated for Homecoming Queen in The Dottie Awards over at MomDot!

It's so nice to know that so many of you, totally of your own accord, thought that I was so wonderful and vivacious, and awesome!

Unfortunately, you don't think I'm awesome enough, because I'm in THIRD PLACE!

That's OK.  Jen over at Posh Point of View is in the lead, and she is truly deserving of it.  She's beautiful....and smart....and just the nicest girl in the world!  I mean, her name is Jennifer, so you know she has to be one of the best!

Of course, I would never say ANYTHING bad about ANYONE!  That's just not the way to build good karma.  And I really truly think of Jen as a friend.  I hope she wins. 

I'm just saying, it's a good thing the Internet blocks your sense of smell. 

So if you'd like a GOOD SMELLING candidate as your HOMECOMING QUEEN, please click here and vote for me!

Celebu-Not - The Mom Body

I have a baby.  And my body shows it. 

Being a naturally thinner person, I went into this whole baby thing with the idea that my body would just bounce right back to it's not-too-thick/not-too-thin version of normal afterward. 

It didn't.

And I certainly didn't have time to screw around with it.  I had a baby to feed, and diaper, and take care of!  And I don't care what folks say, there is no way you can diet while you're breastfeeding.  1800 calories a day?  My ass!  I was STARVING on 1800 a day!  And my milk supply was pretty shabby as a result.  Needless to say, 1800 calories lasted about two days and then it was back to no-holds-barred. 

Why this topic today?  I awakened my computer from its night of slumber and saw this article staring at me.  Celebrity Mamas Fuel Post-Baby Body Blues.  The well--thought-out article (is the writer a mom, too?) on MSNBC discussed the pervasive images of celebumoms strutting their flat bellies and svelte physiques within weeks of giving birth.  And the unrealistic pressures us regular mommies feel to compete.

I'll be honest, I was horrified with the way my body looked after my baby.  It just wasn't what I had expected.  Actually, it was worse then anything I ever could have imagined to expect.  I felt fat.  I felt bulging.  I felt ugly.  And even after the pounds began falling off, the ballooning belly still remained.

It took me a year and a half to love myself again.  To say, "this is me, and I'm OK with that."

Today, I'd like to do my part to help America reassess what a woman's body should look like after baby.

So here it is, ladies (and whatever gentleman may be reading). The body I've come to love 21 months after giving birth...

  Other then some lighting and color adjustments, these have not be retouched.

I really liked this first photo.  The light makes it look almost artistic.  I was fortunate enough not to have stretch marks.  Just some tiny ones around my belly button - barely visible.  I don't do pools without a tankini.  This photo made me think I might pull off this bikini in public!

Until I got to this photo...

Yep, there's that bulge I was talking about.  In a dress, I'm lookin' pretty good from the front.  From the side I look like I'm wearing a tent.  After seeing this second photo, the vain little girl in me immediately tried to snap another (this is the internet after all)...

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This is me sucking it in.  It looks a little better, but let's face it, I'm not sucking it in 24/7.  And I really wanted this post to be about staying true to yourself.

As a comparison, I thought I'd share some photos that were taken 4 months post-baby, before I had the energy or inclination to attempt a work out...

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This doesn't look as bad as I remember thinking it was.  I actually weighed slightly less than I do now (thanks breastfeeding!).

That side shot of the tummy doesn't look much different, does it?  So how did I manage to move past the self-loathing and reach some self-love?   

Well, a patient and supportive husband certainly didn't hurt!

Then I reached a point where accepted the reality of my body, tossed all those pre-preggo clothes, and started dressing for the figure that I have. A few flowy tops, and I was feeling sexier already.

I finally landed on the motivation to work out - a college friend was marrying another college friend, which meant a banquet room full of old college friends. I was determined to look as smokin' as I could.  I hit the gym, and although my tummy didn't get much flatter, my arms had more definition and my booty and thighs were firmer and more toned.  The look of my ass and shoulders made me feel so sexy, I didn't care much about the middle anymore.

Which leads me to the last factor of this transition - confidence.  I walked with my head high, my shoulders back, and strutted like the sexy diva I knew was still hiding in there somewhere.  If I ACTED smoking hot, it made me LOOK smoking hot, which made me FEEL smoking hot.  It's the Circle of Hotness.

Oh, I still have Those Days.  All those celebrity images eventually take their toll, leaving me to feel fat and ugly and unlovable and worthless.  But then my baby gives me hugs and the love I see in her eyes doesn't care what I look like, as long as I'm spending my time with her.  And my dog leaps with joy when I step through the door, and the love I see in his eyes could care less what shape my body is in, as long as he's getting some love back.  I know through their innocent faces that there's a lot more to life then what size jeans I put on in the morning.  (Or elasticized waistbands, as the case may be!)

If you'd like to check out some more shots of real-life mothers with their real-life bodies, check out the site The Shape of a Mother.

And please leave me a comment - mom or not, woman or not - and tell me what fabulous, stellar part of your body makes you feel super sexy.

Let's all love ourselves today!