Happily-Ever-After-Land

PhotoStory Friday - A Sight Rarely Captured By Explorers...

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Behold!

A sight seldom seen by any human,

but for the FIRST TIME captured on film.

Risking life and limb,

our explorer carefully crept through the underbrush,

dodging all manner of possibly poisonous, certainly ankle breaking, traps

in order to bring to the world

photographic documentation of this rarely seen creature

holed up in its natural habitat.

I now give you....



the Missipitus Prissypie!

(This safari made possibly through grants from the National Geographic Society.
Do not attempt locating this creature on your own, such safaris require professional guides
and months of specialized training.  You never know when a herd of blocks
might appear out of nowhere and cause injury, or even death!)

Jumping Ship (But Just For Today)

So the other day, Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy (who is an enormously popular blogger, by the way) sent lil' ol' me a message just BEGGING me to write a guest post for her.

"I'm leaving for a week," she cried, " and I know YOU, what with your beauty and coolness and amazing writing abilities, are the ONLY person who could keep my THRONGS of readers entertained!" *

"Well, I don't know," I replied, "I am pretty busy..."

"Oh, PLEASE!!!  I just don't know WHAT I'll do!!!!"  **

So I agreed.  Because I can't stand the thought of making somebody cry.

The post is up, so please head on over and check it out.  And check Jen out while you're there.  She's not this popular for nuthin'!

*  I MAY have stretched the truth just a skosh.  I was paraphrasing the actual conversation a bit.

**  OK, so MAYBE Jen sent out a general message to about a thousand of her followers on Twitter asking if anybody was interested in writing a guest post.  And MAYBE I jumped on that as fast as my fingers could fly.  And MAYBE I was the one begging and crying for her to please, please, PLEASE let me do a post for her.  But, honestly, I don't see what kind of difference that makes.

Be Thankful This Thing Doesn't Have Smellivision

So I'm pregnant, right?  But, then, you maybe already knew that, what with the recent photo display and all.

And I'm at that stage of hugely pregnant where your mobility slows, your feet want to swell, and your body just wants to sleep 90% of the time.

I believe the technical term for this is "third trimester."

I'm not complaining.  Just stating the obvious.

In any case, yesterday was an especially low point.

I hate to admit this, but in my tired and exhausted state, I wasn't quite sure when I had last taken a shower. 

However, Priss had her playgroup first thing in the morning, so I attempted to make myself look halfway presentable.  I failed miserably (let's just say the old XL t-shirt and gray sweat shorts don't go far in disguising disgustingness), but, thankfully, the other moms were kind enough not to mention it.

They just, you know, took a couple steps back every time I got close.

But on the short walk to playgroup, just before we got to the door, we had to dodge the sprinklers that were going full blast in the lawn outside the Youth Center.

And the very first thought that popped into my head - that I very seriously pondered for about fifteen seconds - "If I run THROUGH the sprinklers, would THAT count as a shower for today?"

It was not one of my finer moments.

Thankfully, one the voices in my head very plainly stated, "Girrrrl!  When your hair is greeezy with a 'z' you have got to have water AND a bar of soap!"

You'll be happy to know I am properly scrubbed and clean now.  Even shaved the ol' pitters.

And I make this promise to you, The People, I will NOT attempt to use a sprinkler in lieu of a real shower.

At least not until after the baby is born.

Mommy of the Year - The Photo Shoot (Subtitled: The Last Pictures From Yosemite, I Swear!)

I really think it's a requirement for mom-hood.  I don't know if it was a shot they gave me, or a contract I signed while still doped up, holding a teeny tiny Miss Priss in my arms.

Or maybe it's just my psycho Virgo-ness.

I mean, of course, the primal need, urge, desire to dress up our tykes and subject them to blinding flash photography, with a barrage of threats if they don't stop wiggling and promises of sweet treats if they'd just smile AND look at the camera, all the while insisting on that PERFECT shot.

My mom did it to Sissy and me.

And, judging by the photos I've seen of my very tiny, and very adorable, mom and Uncle John performing the Mexican Hat Dance (complete with smiles plastered to their faces), I can rest assured my grandma did it to them (and, apparently, had threat level I can only dream of).

I believe the Family Photo is the whole reason the first caveman drew on a wall.

Cave Wife: I just want one DECENT drawing of all of us together.
Cave Husband: Well, I'm doing the best I can here. I've only got a rock to work with.
Cave Wife: Kids, sit STILL!  Your father's almost done! I swear, if you don't sit still, I'll throw you to the next saber toothed tiger I see!!!
Cave Kids: But Mooooooom...
Cave Wife: Don't tempt me!  You know, you USED to have a brother!
Cave Husband: There!  How does that look?
Cave Wife: Ugh! I look so FAT.  Can't you do it from a different angle?
Cave Husband: (mumbling) How exactly does she expect me to thin out a frickin' STICK FIGURE?!? Make the LINE smaller??
Cave Wife: Hmm, what's that?
Cave Husband: Nothing, dear.

So I'm sure it comes as no surprise to all of you, my dearest readers, that this Momma, looking every bit her seven months pregnancy, was in desperate need of having portraits done.  Just Momma, Preggo Belly, and Miss Priss.

I know, I know, I can hear you already.  "Miss Priss is only TWO!  Good luck with THAT!"

Well, believe me, I am very aware of this.  And I have flat out refused to do studio portraits with that child.  It's always the same - the threats, the torture, the need for a very large margarita - and all we end up with is one half-way decent shot where she's not even smiling that you get the pleasure of paying two-months-worth of salary for (because family portraits are akin to engagement rings) and I can't even post on my blog for "copyright" reasons.

So until Priss understands the value of a dollar and I can PAY for her cooperation, we are not stepping foot in a studio.

We've got our own MacDaddy Nikon Camera, I thought, Hubs is just the best photographer EVER (let's all make him feel good today, OK?), and, (here's where the derangement sets in) I'll get Priss dressed up at Yosemite and we'll be in NATURE!  Great, right?

Me and my idiotic ideas.

Anyway, we got a few shots at least, and managed to NOT get eaten by mosquitoes, snakes, mice, or any other vermin hanging out in a meadow.  Plus I bought this gorgeous frame with stained glass butterflies specifically to hold this amazing wondershot. 

Now I need you, my most discriminating of readers, to tell me - which of these shots should go in the frame???

(OK, I recognize how much funnier this post would be if I showed a bunch of the outtakes [all 120 of them], but seriously, folks, I need some help here!)

1 or 2 or...

3 or 4 or...

5 or 6...

Please leave your vote in the comments below.

And tell me again, how much longer till I get my margaritas back???

Ever After Creativity Corner - Tea Partyin' in Style

Because I enjoy making stuff.  But I enjoy showing it off so much more!

Miss Priss is the ultimate Tea Party Hostess.

And what Professional Tea Party Hostess would be caught without proper place mats
for her best little tea cups?



These cute lil' flower place mats were created quite by accident, actually.

I had picked up this pattern and a few balls of Lily Sugar n' Cream cotton yarn from the craft store one day, thinking it would be something quick and easy to whip up. 

See that yellow, orange and pink flower at the bottom of the photo?

That's what the finished piece was supposed to look like.

Me having a sporadic history with crochet, I managed to completely mangle my first
attempt and wound up with something much more two dimensional.

And the little flower place mats were born!

(If you'd like to fire up the ol' crochet hook for your own flower place mats, I can send you my pattern - all you have to do is leave a comment telling me how awesome and cool I am, and where to email it!)

(If, however, you'd prefer to just hand over a wad of money and have some flower place mats show up on your doorstep, that can also be arranged.  It's no secret how cheap and easy I am, you just have to ask!)

PhotoStory Friday - The Yosemite Adventure!

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

 

I might have mentioned (ok, can't stop talking about) going up to Yosemite National Park last week.  It was a great trip!  And I waited until PhotoStory Friday to share some of the great pics with ya'll!  All the photoshopping was courtesy of Papa Bear.  It was his first time playing around with the program, and I think he's caught the addiction!

These first few pics are from a little train station right outside the park.  There's Miss Priss panning for gold.  She would have had a little bit more, had she not dumped half of her pan into the water.  The old guy helping her out was horrified.  He kept looking at us like we were crazy.  I tried to tell him that we weren't expecting much from her, just wanted her to experience how it was done.  He seemed to think that made us even crazier. 

Once in the park, we took lots of pictures of nature and stuff. 

 

 

 The next morning, we conquered the Yosemite Falls!
In our own ways, of course.

Papa Bear spent four hours hiking all the way up to the tippy top of the Upper Falls.

While Mama Bear and Baby Bear opted for the ten minute stroll to the Lower Falls.  Lest you think we're total pansies, we did walk the paths for another hour after that.  (And did our best not to smell like bear candy.)

There are many, many, MANY more amazing pics that I'd LOVE to share with you (about 565, to be exact), but it was hard enough just getting these photos situated in this post, so I'll end the family photo torture here.

At least for today!

 

A Right Of Passage

I had been noticing the signs for a few weeks now.

First, she was showing interest in it.

Then she was wanting some of her own.

Before I knew it, she was wielding the appliance like a pro.

When she crossed over that final hurdle, I knew, like the wise master so tuned into her student...

She.

Was.

Ready.

That's right, ladies, another neophyte has made that first step towards womanhood.

Miss Priss is now the proud owner of her very own tube of LIPGLOSS!

Hang on a sec.  I'm getting a little teary.  OK, <sniff> I'm alright now.

So what if she still has bad aim.  She's able to screw the top on and off like a pro and land the product somewhere on her face.  Which was why, while in Fresno yesterday, we made a pit stop at an ultra frilly, hot pink bedazzled shop aimed at just such a little princess, and picked up that very first tube of lip glossy goodness.

It's clear.

With a little glitter thrown in for pizazz.

And, honestly, I thought it would taste better.

Here is the first of about fifteen applications that were applied yesterday afternoon.

Check out that technique!  Obviously a natural!


Maybe she's born with it...

Maybe it's her awesome bejeweled lipgloss tube!

PS - That mustache of shine is where the lipgloss landed.  Apparently, I've been applying mine incorrectly all these years!

PPS - I don't know why her eyes look so green in that last shot.  OK, maybe I do know, and it has to do with my kick ass photoshoppin' skillz!  But please note, grandmas, they did NOT suddenly turn green!

PPPS - Is 2 1/2 really too young for lipgloss?  I just wanted her to stop using mine, but maybe I'm inadvertantly leading her down a path of whoreishness.  Oh well, apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?

You Never Really Vacationed Unless You've Done It Seven Months Pregnant

If you saw yesterday's post, then you're already aware of the overnight trip we Happily-Ever-After-Landers took to Yosemite National Park last week.

We had a fabulous time (despite dragging around a 2 1/2 year old), and I would highly recommend it to everyone!  Now, I am not what you might consider "one with nature," on our last camping trip, the sounds of blowing up our queen size, extra tall air mattress could be heard far and wide, but there are certain aspects of the outdoors that I do enjoy participating in.

And I would have.

If I wasn't toting around a fetus in my uterus.  (hehe, that kinda rhymed!)

Yosemite Activity #1 - Hiking
    Obviously, I can walk.  It would be pretty idiotic to take a trip all the way to Yosemite if I was, like, on bed rest or something.  However, I cannot walk long, and I cannot walk far, and if there's an incline, I pretty much feel like I'm going to die.  But even on flat trails, walking too long gets my va-jay-jay a painin'.  I don't know why this is.  Weight from the baby, I suppose - I had it with Miss Priss, too, so whatever it is, it's "normal" for me (so don't get all worried, mom).  The ol' crotch muscles get so sore, that it makes it difficult for me to walk at all.  Not to mention the lower back pain that eventually creeps up on me when I try to stay upright for any length of time.  And don't even get me started on my feet!  I love pregnancy, I really do, but I think the park needs to invest in some Segways or Motorized Scooters for all of us with disabilities.

Yosemite Activity #2 - Biking
    I have been wanting a bicycle for a while now.  Nothing fancy, just a totally rad cruiser (preferably with glitter paint, streamers, and a bell NOT a horn) equipped with a trailer for the kid to hang out in.  So when I saw that they had bikes for rent, complete with kiddie trailers, right behind the lodge we were staying in, I was stoked!  Up until my crotch pain reminded me that I've got over seven months worth of belly attached to the front of my torso.  And if I recall correctly, there's something about NOT riding on bicycles, not only because of the risk of falling, but because it puts pressure on your cervix or something.  And pressure "down there" would cause a dent in the baby's head.  Or maybe a black eye.  Whatever it is, it wouldn't be good, so this preggo lady left giving longing looks to the all the other, able-bodied folks at the bike stand.

Yosemite Activity #3 - Rafting
    Now, this isn't White Water Rafting or anything dangerous like that.  Just a nice 3 mile jaunt down the river, floating along in idyllic peacefulness, surrounded by other rafting families paddling their brains out.  Nothing to it!  Hubs saw the gleam in my eye as soon as we saw all the rafters going by, and tried to "drop hints."  "I don't think we have time for that."  "You know, the water is really, REALLY cold."  I didn't care.  Just don't tip over, right?  And, as far as I could remember, hot water can cause fungus or mold or something to grow on the baby, but I couldn't recall any damage from COLD water!  I was gearing up to battle for this one.  Then I read the pamphlet.  "No children under 50 lbs."  Miss Priss might be a heavyweight, but she only comes in at 37 pounds.  And I was pretty sure The Hubster was not game for trying to fake it.

There was still plenty to do, of course, despite our small limitations.  And I would love to go back again.

But first things first.  I'll get Priss started on her high-fat, high-calorie diet right away.

Or, perhaps a better plan would be to have this baby and tie her and Priss together so they equal 50 pounds? 

I dunno, ya'll will have to help me out on this one!

Disclaimer:  Please, please do NOT rely on my advice for what you are and are not allowed to do during pregnancy.  Obviously, I have no idea what I'm talking about.  It is no small miracle that I manage to birth any healthy children at all! 

Mommy of the Year – Overheard in Happily-Ever-After-Land

Your favorite Happily-Ever-After-Landers took an overnight trip to Yosemite National Park last week.

No, we did not see Yosemite Sam.

No, we did not see Yogi Bear (and for the record, he lives in Jellystone - Ya'll need to study up on your 'toons).

However, if you could have been a fly on the wall (or, more accurately, a mosquito on my leg), you would have overheard some Great Mommy Moments. Here are just a few…

 

(As Miss Priss leaned over a stone wall) "Get off that wall! If you were to fall over it, you'd go rolling down the hill, through the sticks and the grass and the rocks and the trees…and then through more sticks and grass and rocks and trees, and you won't stop until you get somewhere down there in those trees and you'll probably get eaten by a bear."

 

(As Miss Priss attempted to bring her "bear" – a teddy bear head attached to a blanket – to breakfast with her) "I think we need to leave bear here. If you get some of your breakfast on her, then she'll smell like food and a bear will want to eat her. And I don't think you want bear eaten by a bear!"

 

(As Miss Priss ran a little too far ahead on an empty path) "Stop! Wait up for me! You need to stay by me, Sweetie. You know, you're about the size of a bear appetizer. You'd be like one of those 100 Calorie Snack Packs to a bear!"

 

(As Miss Priss lagged a little too far behind on a busy path) "You'd better keep up with us! Otherwise some nice Canadians will think you're lost and take you home with them. And nobody wants to see you wind up a Canadian!"

 

(As Miss Priss sat in the backseat eating a snack) "Don't you DARE wipe your Cheeto-Hand on your dress!!!!" (And for the record, Mini Bag of Cheetos + 2 ½ year old x a long windy road = a new shade of orange on the car seat)

 

But the #1 quote comes courtesy of Dear Old Dad, who thought he'd help Miss Priss understand just how big the Yosemite Waterfall actually is. "Is it bigger than Mommy?" "Yes!" "Is it bigger than Daddy?" "Yeeees!" "Is it bigger than your poop?" "It's bigger than my POOP!!!" Which was what we got to hear for two whole days, every time she saw the waterfall, very conveniently located right above our hotel.

 

Yes, we had a wonderful family trip. It was great! How great was it, you wonder?

It was greater than my POOP!!!!

PhotoStory Friday (on Saturday) – Father’s Day

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Daddy showed Miss Priss the best way to cool your feet off after a long hike in the Sequoia National Forest.

Daddy enjoyed sharing this peaceful time with his first-born.

Priss thought it was the awesomest thing in the whole world.

Mommy's just thankful nobody fell in.